I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
