The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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