I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
