I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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