just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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