apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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