there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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