You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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