I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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