The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize