Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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