Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
