i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
