He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
