I wish my penis had an off switch
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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