my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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