I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
