Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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