I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
