If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
