WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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