I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize