haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
