I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
