is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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