It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
