She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We talked him into tasing himself.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
