I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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