I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
