I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
