omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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