I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
