Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
