you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
