Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
