You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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