I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
