barbara walters just said penis...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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