i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
