bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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