omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
