I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
