I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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