she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
