Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
