my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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