I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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