I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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