The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
