my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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