Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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