ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
