He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
