the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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