I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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