My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
