hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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