Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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