he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
