how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
